Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
