I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
