Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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