I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
