My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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