I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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