why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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