I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We are two peas in an std pod
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
