the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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