I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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