Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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