i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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