im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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