I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you had me at cake vodka
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
