Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
