is your mom at the bar?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
