census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
