Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
