I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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