He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
