Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
