Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
