i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
