HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
