I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
