she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
