I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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