He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
