Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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