My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
