im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
