Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
