Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
