My first STD was from a foam party
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it's like heaven, but drunker
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
