i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
