I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
