1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
