in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
