Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
