batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
