I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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