Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
