you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
