Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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