I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
