You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
