Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
