It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
