Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
