Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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