I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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